In the day I write:

I have to not to be so rigid in my planning especially if there are others involved as their goals are not necessarily the same as my goals or my goals are not important to them so they don’t see value in the plan. I have to keep in mind the ‘what’s in it for me’ mentality people generally have and provide benefits to them within the plan.

Quote:

“Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto” Dennis DeYoung

Thoughts:

Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz

Renovations are the bane of my existence at the moment.

Well, really for the last year.

I have a husband who suffers from OCD and cannot have a contractor do the work.

It has to be him and it has to be perfect or it has to be redone.

This is the 4th attempt at doing the floors in the two rooms being renovated.

Sometimes I cry.

Sometimes I hide in the dark.

Sometimes I scream inside my head.

In the day I write:

 Splitting apart at the seams today. I need to visualize and plan how to combat that.

I am elated that a lot of yardwork was accomplished this weekend as our house is THE house the neighbours must hate because of the amount of garbage, branches, dead leaves, overgrown lawn, and general untidiness that is readily visible. The majority of that was cleaned up this weekend and bagged to be taken to the dump next week.

I am also heavy headed today though where I am feeling weighed down and trapped. The air isn’t fresh enough and I feel like I can’t catch my breath.

So what’s the plan? How do I face this? How can I face this?

Buy some deck chairs so I can once again start enjoying peaceful moments sitting on my deck to enjoy the outdoors.

Buy a new lawnmower so the grass can be cut. The old one died two weeks ago.

Start planning what I am hoping to accomplish on my vacation next week.

Quote:

“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Benjamin Franklin

Thoughts:

Note to self 1: Stop hesitating to ask for help but also don’t forget to be specific in the type of help you are looking for and what you are hoping to accomplish. Be specific and start small.

As you accumulate ‘stuff’ keep in mind who will have to deal with it and what will become of it if something were to suddenly happen to you. I am trying to purge because I know my kids won’t want 99% of what I have and why should they have to deal with my belongings.

Note to self 2: Seek out opportunities to be kind. Don’t wait for them to happen.

Certain smells make me happier such as the smell of cotton candy or tangerines. I am going to try a different kind of aroma therapy. Rather than melt one type of Scentsy I will have a few different ones I like and just relax and sniff the various cubes I like and focus on how the scent makes me feel.

In the day I write.

One more step on the slope. One more firefly in the darkness.

Exchanged texts with someone special who is in a similar emotional place as myself. We decided to be accountability partners again starting with small goals even if it is to simply have a shower. 

I am trying to avoid the word ‘simply’ because nothing feels simple right now.

Sometimes the simple things are the hardest to do.

Right now I am not living. I am just existing.

I may need to rethink how and when I use the word ‘just’ as well.

I have to learn to forgive myself. Start small. Change my internal dialogue to “It’s okay if…”

It’s okay if I got up five times to try and remember to do something and forgot what it was. I remembered on the sixth try.

Quote:

“You can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending” C.S. Lewis

Thoughts:

Keep a daily ‘accomplishment list’. Or turn my goal list into an accomplishment list at the end of the day. Remove the things that I didn’t get done and forgive myself for those and only look at the stuff I did.

Visualization technique – imagine a firefly lighting up in the vast, encompassing, oppressive darkness and another one lights up at each new thought or realization that leads me in a healing direction. Pretty soon there could be a lot of fireflies. I like fireflies. I think they are pretty and peaceful. Even though I may not be out of the darkness, there can still be a lot of pretty, and that isn’t quite as scary.

I flipped the script today. Usually I am more negative in my writing in the harsh light of day. I see it as me being a realist and practical but really it is my negative self-talk having a field day.

I make a point of not listening to sad or angry music when I am depressed and self-loathing. As much as I may feel in that moment that the music understands me and I can relate to it, it also reinforces those emotions and it makes it harder to get through them. They become a scratchy blanket that I wrap myself in for uncomfortable protection. I may know that blanket and it is conveniently close by but isn’t it better to find a nice soft blanket to wrap myself in. If I do listen to music during these time, I try to listen to happy music because it represents what I could become.

In the night I write.

I need to find a way to dig myself out of this pit of despair. I have taken a couple of actions today to start the process, it is just so hard to dig upwards. Some would say impossible but I am trying to visualize it is digging a slope from the bottom which is yes very hard, so very hard, but… not impossible. Those two little words… not impossible… give me a tiniest flicker of the light of hope in a ginormous echoing cave of loneliness and darkness.

Not impossible.

Not impossible.

In the night I write.

So my last post about seeing a Miracle has more depth when you take into context, my beliefs. I do not believe in an afterlife or reincarnation or have any type of religious faith. believe when we die we cease to exist except in the memories of others and even then they move forward and start forgetting. Because of this I live in fear of dying and my husband dying and in terror at the idea of my son dying. When you live like that, the use of the word Miracle is not to be taken lightly. It is faith in the face of having no faith at all. It is being surround by chaos on all sides and not being able to see the big picture where eventually you will see a certain amount of order.

In the day I write.

Am I just an attention seeking whore? If so, why do I feel I need that attention? I am not worth that attention so why do I feel I need it?

In the night I saw a YouTube video of the latest Supernatural convention in Toronto over the weekend. In the night I go to the comments section.

In the night I write…

“I saw a Miracle thanks to Jared…

I was reading a book (I haven’t finished it yet so no spoilers please on the ending) called ‘Where the Forest Meets the Stars’ by Glendy Vanderah and part of the premise of this book is the main protagonist meets a mysterious child who calls herself Ursa who claims to be from another planet and that she can only return to that planet when she witness five miracles. These aren’t grand, religious miracles that can impact humanity, they are small moments of ‘life’ where she sees something extraordinary in quiet little events that could and almost certainly would pass for ordinary to anyone else. In the video Jared is apologizing for being late to get on stage because he was Facetiming with his family because it was the first day back from camp for one of his sons and Jared starts crying because he loves his son SO much had missed seeing and talking to his son SO much. He apologizes, turns his back to the audience to try and regain his composure, dabs a tissue at his eyes, and after a moment finds perhaps he can’t and turns back around still teary eyed. That moment of courage and bravery, of turning back to the audience while still being vulnerable and allowing a room of mostly strangers see that vulnerability is the miracle. He ‘chose’ to let others see him be vulnerable. Choosing vulnerability is one of the hardest and bravest choices a person can make. For a man who grew up in a generation of men who were taught at a young age by movies and media and social cues that that is not okay, that was an extraordinarily moving moment. It was one of those quiet, little events that can be passed for ordinary when in fact it was a Miracle.

I ask others and if anyone is looking for a question to ask the boys at a future convention feel free to use this one, what is a moment where you saw a Miracle?”

In the day I write…

Thank god I didn’t actually leave that comment because I sound so stupid. My words are not special and are ridicul0us. What would I hope to accomplish by actually sharing that? I am not brave, I am not strong enough to choose vulnerability. I don’t have any miracles in me.

In the night things are quiet, things are asleep, things are crisp, things can change.

In the day my tits are cold and my bath tub drips and is as annoying as my life but I am too lazy and tired to do anything about it.

In the day I am trying not to fall asleep at my computer and hoping I charged my battery enough.

In the night I have ideas. Ideas that will inspire others to be better than I am because even in the night I know I am nothing.

In the night I have dreams, dreams that mean something important, dreams that matter. In the day I thank god I didn’t spew those shitty dreams to other people in the night.

It is far too easy to be seduced by the night. To have that protection of darkness. To be fooled. To think that what I have to say matters to anyone. To feel like I can conquer my shortcomings. Ah, the silky, satiny, promise of the night.

The night is a liar.

In the day I write how I feel like my lungs are shutting down.

In the day I write how I feel like my digestive system is shutting down.

I have been sick and I haven’t been able to eat much. I haven’t been able to drink much. I feel worse. It spirals from there.

I have been here before. How could I let myself get here again when I know how awful it feels. Because I forget. Time will do that. Time, the great forgetter. Time, the great reminder, but only when you are already there again and panicking at how to get back out. I guess that’s why they say history repeats itself.