HomeIn the day I write.
One more step on the slope. One more firefly in the darkness.
Exchanged texts with someone special who is in a similar emotional place as myself. We decided to be accountability partners again starting with small goals even if it is to simply have a shower.
I am trying to avoid the word ‘simply’ because nothing feels simple right now.
Sometimes the simple things are the hardest to do.
Right now I am not living. I am just existing.
I may need to rethink how and when I use the word ‘just’ as well.
I have to learn to forgive myself. Start small. Change my internal dialogue to “It’s okay if…”
It’s okay if I got up five times to try and remember to do something and forgot what it was. I remembered on the sixth try.
Quote:
“You can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending” C.S. Lewis
Thoughts:
Keep a daily ‘accomplishment list’. Or turn my goal list into an accomplishment list at the end of the day. Remove the things that I didn’t get done and forgive myself for those and only look at the stuff I did.
Visualization technique – imagine a firefly lighting up in the vast, encompassing, oppressive darkness and another one lights up at each new thought or realization that leads me in a healing direction. Pretty soon there could be a lot of fireflies. I like fireflies. I think they are pretty and peaceful. Even though I may not be out of the darkness, there can still be a lot of pretty, and that isn’t quite as scary.
I flipped the script today. Usually I am more negative in my writing in the harsh light of day. I see it as me being a realist and practical but really it is my negative self-talk having a field day.
I make a point of not listening to sad or angry music when I am depressed and self-loathing. As much as I may feel in that moment that the music understands me and I can relate to it, it also reinforces those emotions and it makes it harder to get through them. They become a scratchy blanket that I wrap myself in for uncomfortable protection. I may know that blanket and it is conveniently close by but isn’t it better to find a nice soft blanket to wrap myself in. If I do listen to music during these time, I try to listen to happy music because it represents what I could become.