HomeDear Night, Dear Moon, Dear Stars Above, Dear Emptiness of Space…
Wow, 7 years since my last post. 7 years of swallowing crazy and trying to burn it away with my stomach acid.
Okay, maybe a little dramatic. Yes, I often get a sensation of queasiness and burning in my stomach from not being able to express how I truly feel, not without risking my career. And no, I am not crazy but I FEEL. I can’t even put into words what that sentence truly means but I bet others who are bipolar and crush it down as well as I do understand exactly what I mean.
I am not unique or alone in any of the feelings I have. There are so many others out there but I have no connection to them. No way of commiserating and trying to share coping strategies. No local groups for bipolar people like there is with AA or NA.
Tonight I feel so anxious like things are crawling under my skin. These emotions are crawling and feel tangible like leeches.
I can usually compartmentalize and box up these feelings and put myself in another frame of reference but not tonight. Usually I do it so well that it hardly seeps through at work except when I get a little unacceptably… perhaps even unprofessionally… hyper. The anxiety comes out in weird ways like practical jokes (only the kind that the recipient would find funny), or spending money I don’t have and giving away whatever it is I have spent it on, kicking my legs randomly, or throwing up in the rare occasion.
The struggle to hide it and seem normal is so exhausting.
Exhausting, exhausting, exhausting… and yet I have to be constantly busy to keep my mind off it or it would seep out in more obvious ways.
I guess I will try sleeping again.
signing off…
Shadow