HomeStarted off the work day by almost having a panic attack which I haven’t had in a long time. I took a sublingual Lorazepam but was a sobbing mess (still kind of am) and thank goodness I am working from home today. I called my workplace EFAP and had a quick emergency counselling session and have booked myself a regular session for later in the month. I felt (feel) frozen in my skin and like my skin was (is) crawling and trying to even click the mouse to try and do some work is a huge struggle, like trying charge through water. I am trying my best to not call my boss and be a sobbing mess on the phone and ask her to change the schedule so I am working from home instead of in the office. I have no idea if I am going to be like this tomorrow but I do know I am going to have a huge headache and look like shit from all the crying and from trying not to cry.
It all started with fixating on the death of my biological father who died in the parking lot of a strip club. Not sure why I was thinking about it. Arranging his burial two years ago was the first time in about 18 years that I’d had anything to do with him. He was not a good person. Do I sound overly dramatic and attention seeking there? I am always worried that is what other people will think, that I just want attention. I guess that is why I don’t talk about this stuff to my friends and online groups. It always comes around to me thinking how I am so lucky compared to so many others in this world and I am nothing but a whiner for crying over these stupid problems.
Fuck.