HomeI see myself.
The pain strikes… and I see myself from behind.
Standing in a desert, in a white silk dress, lean like I was in high school (Yeah, even when I am alone in my head I have self-esteem issues).
I see myself looking out over the dusty, dirty, dry landscape. The sound I hear is the rushing wind, like the air all around me is being sucked away and soon I will be left in a vacuum of silence.
The silence never comes. The wind just keeps rushing past me giving me goose bumps and I stand there barefoot on the hot desert sand waiting.
What am I waiting for?
The pain is so intense I don’t even moan or hiss in air like I usually do. All I can do is cry silently and pray for it to pass.
Who am I praying to?
Soon my eyes ache and the light is too bright and the room spins around me. Lightning strikes my back and pierces my heart, the pain intensifies. It steals my breath and steals my tears.
He tries to comfort me, he strokes my skin, but I am far away from here, lost in the desert.
The wind keeps rushing… it stops.
It isn’t a vacuum of silence. It is a vacuum of emotion. As my stomach churns and I wait to see if I am going to throw up this time, I feel emotionally blunt inside. Like novocaine for the soul.
Only it doesn’t take the pain away. It just takes away the caring.
It’s the only way I know how to get through the pain.