Dear Night, Dear Moon, Dear Stars Above, Dear Emptiness of Space…<\/p>\n
Wow, 7 years since my last post. 7 years of swallowing crazy and trying to burn it away with my stomach acid.<\/p>\n
Okay, maybe a little dramatic. Yes, I often get a sensation of queasiness and burning in my stomach from not being able to express how I truly feel, not without risking my career. And no, I am not crazy but I FEEL. I can’t even put into words what that sentence truly means but I bet others who are bipolar and crush it down as well as I do understand exactly what I mean.<\/p>\n
I am not unique or alone in any of the feelings I have. There are so many others out there but I have no connection to them. No way of commiserating and trying to share coping strategies. No local groups for bipolar people like there is with AA or NA.<\/p>\n
Tonight I feel so anxious like things are crawling under my skin. These emotions are crawling and feel tangible like leeches.<\/p>\n
I can usually compartmentalize and box up these feelings and put myself in another frame of reference but not tonight. Usually I do it so well that it hardly seeps through at work except when I get a little unacceptably… perhaps even unprofessionally… hyper. The anxiety comes out in weird ways like practical jokes (only the kind that the recipient would find funny), or spending money I don’t have and giving away whatever it is I have spent it on, kicking my legs randomly, or throwing up in the rare occasion.<\/p>\n
The struggle to hide it and seem normal is so exhausting.<\/p>\n
Exhausting, exhausting, exhausting… and yet I have to be constantly busy to keep my mind off it or it would seep out in more obvious ways.<\/p>\n
I guess I will try sleeping again.<\/p>\n
signing off…<\/p>\n
Shadow<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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