{"id":59,"date":"2022-08-02T23:01:49","date_gmt":"2022-08-02T23:01:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/shadow.bz\/?p=59"},"modified":"2022-08-02T23:02:21","modified_gmt":"2022-08-02T23:02:21","slug":"59","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/?p=59","title":{"rendered":"A Firefly in the Darkness"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the day I write.<\/span><\/p>\n

One more step on the slope. One more firefly in the darkness.<\/span><\/p>\n

Exchanged texts with someone special who is in a similar emotional place as myself. We decided to be accountability partners again starting with small goals even if it is to simply have a shower.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I am trying to avoid the word \u2018simply\u2019 because nothing feels simple right now. <\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes the simple things are the hardest to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

Right now I am not living. I am just existing.<\/span><\/p>\n

I may need to rethink how and when I use the word \u2018just\u2019 as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have to learn to forgive myself. Start small. Change my internal dialogue to \u201cIt\u2019s okay if\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s okay if I got up five times to try and remember to do something and forgot what it was. I remembered on the sixth try.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Quote:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending\u201d C.S. Lewis<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Thoughts:<\/span><\/p>\n

Keep a daily \u2018accomplishment list\u2019. Or turn my goal list into an accomplishment list at the end of the day. Remove the things that I didn\u2019t get done and forgive myself for those and only look at the stuff I did.<\/span><\/p>\n

Visualization technique \u2013 imagine a firefly lighting up in the vast, encompassing, oppressive darkness and another one lights up at each new thought or realization that leads me in a healing direction. Pretty soon there could be a lot of fireflies. I like fireflies. I think they are pretty and peaceful. Even though I may not be out of the darkness, there can still be a lot of pretty, and that isn\u2019t quite as scary.<\/span><\/p>\n

I flipped the script today. Usually I am more negative in my writing in the harsh light of day. I see it as me being a realist and practical but really it is my negative self-talk having a field day.<\/span><\/p>\n

I make a point of not listening to sad or angry music when I am depressed and self-loathing. As much as I may feel in that moment that the music understands me and I can relate to it, it also reinforces those emotions and it makes it harder to get through them. They become a scratchy blanket that I wrap myself in for uncomfortable protection. I may know that blanket and it is conveniently close by but isn\u2019t it better to find a nice soft blanket to wrap myself in. If I do listen to music during these time, I try to listen to happy music because it represents what I could become.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the day I write. One more step on the slope. One more firefly in the darkness. Exchanged texts with someone special who is in a similar emotional place as myself. We decided to be accountability partners again starting with small goals even if it is to simply have a shower.\u00a0 I am trying to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/59"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=59"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/59\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":66,"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/59\/revisions\/66"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=59"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=59"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shadow.bz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=59"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}